During the week-long period of Shiva, which is the traditional period of mourning after a death in the Jewish tradition, there are several things which are considered forbidden or inappropriate in keeping with the solemn nature of the period.
First, shaving, haircuts, and certain activities like physical labor should be avoided. Moreover, visitors should wear somber and modest clothing, and should stay for a relatively short amount of time.
Music, entertainment, and parties of any kind are forbidden as this contradicts with the purpose of Shiva: to create a solemn atmosphere for meditation, prayer, and remembrance about the deceased.
During Shiva, familiar activities such as reading, using technology, and writing should be refrained from as well. Furthermore, it is customary to refrain from accompanying relatives of the deceased to a bar or restaurant, as this could be seen as inappropriate to the formal nature of Shiva.
In general, all activities which would disrupt the solemn atmosphere, or draw attention away from the mourning family, should be avoided during Shiva.
Table of Contents
Can you drink alcohol during shiva?
No, drinking alcohol is not allowed during a shiva. Shiva is a Jewish mourning period of seven days following the death of a close family member. The custom during shiva is that mourners abstain from engaging in everyday activities and refrain from drinking alcohol or taking part in any other type of celebratory behavior, in order to focus on contemplation, understanding, and respect for the passing of their loved one.
Additionally, it is not suggested to bring any alcohol into the home where shiva is being observed as this would be considered disrespectful to the deceased and their family.
What is the etiquette for attending a shiva?
Shiva is the period of mourning observed by some members of the Jewish faith after the death of a loved one. There are various etiquette guidelines to be aware of when attending shiva.
The biggest display of respect is to show up and be present. Attendees should dress conservatively and be prepared to offer condolences to the mourning family. When greeting the family, it is typical to say “I am sorry for your loss” or “may God comfort you among all those who mourn”.
Offer any specific memories you have of the deceased that would be comforting to the family.
It is customary to sit on the floor or in a low chair in keeping with the spirit of humility. Attendees should refrain from eating or drinking unless the family gives permission. All conversations should be focused on helping the family remember the departed rather than humorous conversations or anything that could be considered inappropriate.
Some arriving at the home for shiva may bring food or otherwise offer physical help with tasks. This can be a great help to the bereaved family. It is also acceptable to bring a gift or donation, though it should be noted that flowers of any kind are not allowed, and such gifts should be donated in the name of the deceased.
Those attending shiva should be willing to leave promptly if asked, or when the prescribed period of mourning is over. Showing respect to the family is the most important thing to remember when attending shiva.
Beyond that, following the guidelines will help ensure the proper observance of this period of mourning.
What not to say at a shiva house?
When visiting a shiva house, it is important to remember to be respectful of the bereaved family’s mourning process. As such, it is generally not appropriate to say certain things while visiting the home.
It is important to remember that this is a time to offer comfort and compassion, not to offer opinions or advice.
It is important to remember to avoid discussing the details of the deceased’s life or death with those in attendance unless specifically asked. It is also not appropriate to speak of the “unfortunate circumstance” or to try to “lighten the mood.
” Additionally, it is generally not appropriate to compare sorrows or sufferings, or to make jokes or inquiries about the deceased.
As a general rule, it is best to simply offer words of sympathy and condolences to the mourner and leave the grief to be expressed in its own time. While at the shiva house, it may be appropriate to offer stories and fond memories of the deceased when prompted by the mourner.
It is also important to offer comfort and acknowledgment of the sorrow without being intrusive or insensitive.
Can I bring wine to a shiva?
No, it is not typically recommended to bring wine or any type of alcohol to shiva. Shiva is a period of mourning for seven days following the death of a close relative, and according to traditional Jewish laws, it is not considered appropriate to partake in any type of pleasure during this period.
Although it is acceptable to offer condolences or a gift to the direct family of the deceased, bringing wine is generally not appreciated.
Do I wear black to a shiva?
It is customary to wear a conservative, dark-colored outfit to a shiva. Typically, people who are participating in a shiva will wear simple traditional black, navy or dark grey clothes. Although there is no rule that prohibits wearing colors such as brown, grey or beige, it is societally accepted that black is the more appropriate, formal color to wear when visiting a shiva home.
If you are uncertain of the dress code, it is best to call a friend or family member of the deceased to confirm the specifics. Regardless of the color, it is essential to wear clothing that is respectful and shows your support for the family, who are in mourning.
Additionally, hats, scarves or other coverings for the head are often appropriate for both men and women when attending a shiva.
Is it appropriate to bring something to a shiva?
Yes, it is appropriate to bring something to a shiva. The traditional items to bring include food and/or a memorial candle but any gifts you choose, whether symbolic or practical, are usually welcome.
It is common to bring a box of chocolates, fruit, muffins, or a nice bouquet of flowers. Additionally, dishes from the deceased’s favorite restaurant or bakery, as well as a prepared meal for the family, are also acceptable.
It is also common for people to bring a memorial candle and charity donations for those grieving the loss of a loved one. Additionally, practical items like grocery cards or gift cards can be appreciated by the family.
Overall, it’s important to think of the family and their needs, while bringing something suitable to the shiva.
Do you bring a card to a shiva?
It is considerate to bring a card to a shiva to express your condolences. When attending a shiva, the most important thing you can do is provide comfort and support to the family of the deceased. A card can convey your support and sympathy and let them know you are thinking of them during this difficult time.
Depending on the local custom, it is possible to also bring a meaningful gift as well, such as a fruit basket or flowers. If you choose to bring a card, try to focus on a simple yet meaningful message.
Depending on the family’s religious beliefs, you may also want to include a Bible verse or other spiritual saying for comfort. Be sure to keep your message short and sweet and avoid any jokes or lighthearted messages.
Do you have to be invited to a shiva?
Generally speaking, it is customary to be invited to a shiva – that is, to a shiva house. A shiva is a period of seven days observed by Jews to mourn the death of a close relative, such as a parent, spouse, sibling, or other immediate family member.
During a shiva, the family sits in mourning and publicly acknowledges their loss while receiving many visitors.
According to traditional Jewish practice, visiting a shiva is considered a mitzvah. This means that it’s an important act of kindness you can do for the bereaved family. If you know the family, it is polite to contact them or another family member before visiting to ensure that it’s an appropriate time.
A shiva house is often open to friends and neighbors who wish to stop by and provide their support.
So while invitations may not explicitly be necessary to attend a shiva, it is still polite to contact the family beforehand to show your support and respect for their loss.
How long should you stay at a shiva call?
The answer to this question will depend on several factors, such as the customs and traditions of the Jewish community that you are visiting, the size of the event, and the relationship you have to the family or the deceased.
Generally, it is best to stay for a minimum of 15 minutes, but it is also acceptable to stay for longer if you feel comfortable and it is appropriate. It is important to be respectful of the family’s customs and traditions and show proper attitude throughout the gathering.
Once you have paid your respects, it is generally considered polite to thank the host and then leave.
How long do you sit Shiva?
Traditionally, the period of sitting Shiva is for 7 days. However, for some families and communities, the period of mourning is flexible and might be as short as 3 days or longer than 7. The exact length of time to sit Shiva varies according to the family’s own traditions and customs.
During the seven days of Shiva, the mourners typically follow a specific order of services performed in the home, including daily minyanim (prayer services), shiva talks and meals. The mourners are expected to observe certain restrictions in the home, including refraining from any type of work and not engaging in any joyous activities that may be seen as disrespectful to the deceased.
It’s also customary that the mourner adhere to a period of inactivity and rest in seclusion, so it’s considered inappropriate to leave the house during the Shiva period.
What are the customs for sitting Shiva?
Sitting Shiva is the traditional Jewish practice of mourning the passing of a loved one. It is traditional for immediate family members to spend the initial week of mourning at the home of the deceased, or at the home of a close relative, where friends and family can stop by to pay their respects.
The purpose of Sitting Shiva is to bring comfort and strength to those who mourn.
Family members who observe Sitting Shiva traditionally sit on low stools or boxes, do not leave the home for seven days, periodically tear their clothing as a sign of grief and recite the Mourner’s Kaddish prayer three times a day.
During Sitting Shiva, mirrors are covered and remove shoes or slippers to indicate humility, will sit on low stools, and will often wear a simple and unadorned clothing. Men may also stop shaving during the week.
Friends and family are encouraged to visit, offering physical and emotional support to the mourning family during the uncomfortable period of grief. They often provide meals and keep the conversations light, memories are shared and humor is used to counteract sadness.
During the Shiva period it is typical for the visitors to leave the house when the mourner’s prayer is said.
At the conclusion of the Shiva mourning period, the house is prepared for Shloshim (thirty days), the period between the week of Shiva and the unveiling of the tombstone.
How to prepare your house for shiva?
Preparing your house for shiva is an important part of honoring the life and memory of a loved one who has recently passed. Not only does it provide a respectful space for guests to come and offer their condolences, but it’s also a way to memorialize the person who has died.
Here are a few tips to help you prepare your house for shiva:
1. Consider a mourner’s flow. While you’ll want to make sure that a flow of people can easily move throughout your house, it’s also important to create funnel-like spaces — such as a hallway or entryway — where family can more easily connect and share in their grief.
2. Clear the clutter. To create a sense of solemnity and honor for the person who has died, it’s a good idea to declutter and purge any unnecessary items and distractions. Any furniture or items that can be easily moved out of the area to create more open space should be moved.
3. Create an area for hospitality. Ensure that you have an adequate amount of comfortable seating and tables for food so that it’s easy for people to socialize while they’re offering condolences. Designate a specific area — such as a living room or kitchen — and set up tables and chairs or floor chairs.
Have plenty of tissues and disposable cups and plates at the ready, as well as bottles of water or soft drinks and a hot kettle for tea.
4. Bring in photos and memories. It can be meaningful for guests to be able to share memories of the deceased during the shiva period. Set up a corner of your home with some photographs of the deceased and mementos from their life.
5. Set aside a quiet space. During shiva, host a few brief periods of quiet for people to reflect and meditate about their loss. Set aside a room such as a bedroom or an office, and designate them as places for people to pause.
Provide some cushions and chairs to create a comfortable atmosphere. Light a candle, or burn incense or aromatic herbs while maintaining the needed air circulation.
6. Make the blessing. Make sure you hang the traditional blessing of “may God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem” in the entryway or another prominent space. This is a meaningful symbol of support to visitors, and also a reminder that we are all part of a larger community of grief.
Is there a dress code for a shiva?
If you plan to attend a shiva (a Jewish period of mourning), there may be a specific dress code that is expected. Since shiva is a somber event, it is important to dress respectfully, out of respect for the family in mourning.
Generally, people tend to wear business casual or dark, conservative clothes. Men typically wear dress pants and a shirt with a collar. Women typically wear a skirt and a top with a collar or a dress.
Whatever you wear should be in subdued colors and should cover your arms, shoulders, and knees. Drastic color combinations, bright colors, and flashy accessories should be avoided, as this type of clothing often draws attention away from the occasion.
